Thursday, December 8, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Aaron's Lists : 5 Christmas Songs Aaron Absolutely Hates
The Christmas season is here at last, and as such the normal holiday traditions start to get up in full swing. Houses wrapped haphazardly in lights that glow as if they were radioactive, dressing up severed fir trees in enough sparkly bits to look like a 10 dollar whore or Edward Cullen (really, what’s the difference?), and the other religions doing…something…I think with candles? Candles are probably it. Oh and those potato cakes, those are awesome. But I digress. As is the tradition here in the states, the media is saturated with the usual staples, the “Buy, Spend, Consume” and “Pretend to be nice to get gifts” commercials, the multitude of stale TV specials you’ve seen a hundred times and can almost recite by memory, and of course the music. The GooDeeBag, being the pale sham of a radio station that it is will most likely play several of these songs during the holiday sodes’, most likely due to the fact that I think any place that claims to be a radio station at this point is legally required to play 24-7 holiday music. I think it might be an unwritten law upheld by Ex-DJ vagabonds with bats. But I actually love the Christmas music. It makes me warm, and fuzzy, and jazzed up about the season, because god knows other people don’t do it for me. Every year, barring this one, I’d put the ole’ Ipod adaptor aside, and crank up the Christmas station with the best signal and listen. Most of the time this goes well, keeps my spirits up after I have to drop kick an old woman who got between me and a new laptop, but every once and a while a song comes on that completely kills the mood, and makes me want to veer off the road, preferably into more old ladies. What can I say, I was raised on GTA.
These songs…these…ugh…are a travesty on mankind. I hope for our sakes, not one copy of them survives to be found by aliens in the future, lest our history be marred by their existence. These songs don’t make me want to just turn off the radio, they make we want to tear it out of the dash and toss it off an overpass. (The main reason I’m not listening to it this year.) So let’s begin the holiday parade of earsplitting horror with.
#5 “Last Christmas” by Wham
Ugh, I can hear it now, that lousy synth pop, and the feminine “oohaaaahooo” form of filling in the blanks in the song like the lead singer has someone on standby to squeeze his balls. It’s so bland, so soft, and completely irritating. The kind of song that sounds like elevator muzak that a record exec heard and said “We could turn this into a song!”. I think what really bothers me is the fact that they repeat the same line way too many times, or at least it seems that way. Okay, maybe I’m being fairly brutal here, and my rage would be considerably quieter if stations didn’t play it all the time. ALL THE TIME. If it doesn’t get you from being blasé, or the chorus coming up to many times, it’ll get you with the fact that stations play it probably more than twice and hour. It drills the lyrics into your head, well at least the chorus since that’s all I can remember despite just listening too it not 2 minutes ago. That’s what got it the number 5 spot on the list, and made me wish it was George Michael’s last Christmas.
#4 “Do They Know It’s Christmastime At All”
by Band Aid
I consider myself fairly liberal, but even I hate this song. This song was bore back in the day when celebrities thought it would be a great idea to get together and attempt to sing, which history has show is never a good idea. Although it makes sense, this super group “Band Aid” was made up of popular musicians both Irish and British in 84’. It featured such artists like Boy George, Phil Collins, Wham, and Bono. How could it suck? Oh, it featured Boy George, Phil Collins, Wham, and Bono. It’s one of those really preachy numbers, designed to make you feel guilty at Christmas time for drinking that 5 dollar frappe because African children are starving. Look, I get it, but its Christmas. I want to feel good, not be shamed for enjoying time with friends and family. But this song is not so bad, preachy yes, but not really notable or too terribly annoying. But could you make it shittier? In 2004 “Band Aid 20” decided to answer that question, and you know it’s a gem because Coldplay’s lead singer was the one who started it. Not bad enough, let’s add a little flavor of the decade by adding an unnecessary rap verse by Dizzee Rascal (a name prompted my spell check to go on a leave of absence citing unfit working conditions). You know, because it’s hip, and every song needs a rap verse in the 2000’s, it’s like an unwritten law or something. Here’s what bugs me the most about songs like these. If you want to preach about poor people suffering, let’s work on the suffering people here first. There’s plenty of starving homeless kids in America, that are also painfully aware Christmas exists, and the best present they can get is that they found a whole egg McMuffin in the dumpster behind the McDonalds on Christmas day. Here’s the thing Celebs, instead of singing about it, how bout just donating a big bite of your fortunes to the cause you’re championing. Oh, what…no I understand, well I’ll let you get back to your palatial estate and your private yacht. Oh what? You got your own private zoo on the yacht? That’s, that’s something else.
#3 “Happy Holidays/ It’s The Holiday Season”
by Andy Williams
Ugh, I absolutely disdain this song. It was actually fighting for the 2 spot, but I am convinced that the other song is worse because I believe it may have been developed by the military as an experiment in musical warfare. This ratpack-esque rendition almost confused me into thinking it was by Sinatra until I researched it and found out it was by Andy Williams, who I’ve never heard of before. It’s tolerable for a little bit, until it hits bits of lyrical genius like “With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock”. That’s when it surpasses annoying and hits insipid at full speed. What did Cosby write this tripe?
“It’s Christmas times and Zip Zop Zoopity Bop! Jell-O!” Oh well, if it had lyrics like that it would have been funnier. This is another frequent player, which adds to the irritation factor.
#2 “Wonderful Christmastime”
by Paul McCartney
As a fan of the Beatles, and John’s solo endeavors, it physically hurts me to put a song related to any of the four on this list. But Sorry Paul, it’s just that bad. I can hear this song already in my head before even opening the Youtube window. Another painful synth piece…actually it’s all synth, that and Christmas bells. Then you hear it, the only lines you will hear or remember from this song. “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime.”
Sure it has other lines, but all I can hear in my head it “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time, Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time!” I’m simply having an aneurism because that stock line and two instrument medley is playing on loop eternally in my head. When I said the military could weaponize this, I meant it. Just play this on a loop for an inmate at Guantanamo bay and you’ll not only have information on anything they were plotting, but also the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body, the Holy Grail, and your missing left sock just in an effort to get you to turn it off. In case you haven’t guessed this is also a frequent repeater on my local stations, every hour at least twice. Paul, Paul, Paul, I respect you, I love the Beatles, but next time when you think about making a Christmas song like John, just…don’t, or at least give it a little more thought than “Um, let’s just stick the chorus in again, I’m blanking”. But at least it’s not as bad as…
#1 “Christmas Shoes”
by New Song
I…don’t know what to say…I couldn’t even bring myself to listen to this one on Youtube, I…I can’t hear it again. It’s so…it’s, like a train full of carolers derailed…oh the humanity. People that know me knew that if I had to pick my least favorite Christmas song it would be “Christmas Shoes” by New Song. This song is designed to not just tug at your heart strings, but mercilessly rip them out and beat you with them, which is really something because I thought heart strings were just a metaphor. I have absolutely nothing to say that Patton Oswalt hasn’t already said when it comes to this song, so rather than bring myself to post the actual video, I’m going to post his analysis. Oh and by the way Patton, I love your stuff man, but “The Heart, She Holler” Is awful. You can do so much better man! I don’t want to see you end up doing KFC famous bowl commercials for Christ’s sake.
Anyway this concludes the first and probably only episode of Aaron steals cracked's format….ERM Cough!* I mean, Aaron’s Lists. I’m going to head back to my secret chamber in the bunker, I think I hear the nitwits approaching, and the last thing I need is interruptions while I repair my spacecraft….my shoes, yup, mussed up my shoes, gotta run.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)